Rust
by MissingTrees
Summary: Angel loses something in the apocalyptic gain of humanity - Author's Note Up
1. Chapter 1

**Title** Rust  
**Author** Aphotica  
**Rating** PG-13  
**Length** 2 Parts  
**Summary** Angel is facing the apocalypse and loses something with his gain of humanity.  
**Warning** Major character death!  
**Lyrics** are from Tegan and Sara  
feedback is adored!

_"We all got somebody we love  
We don't got a lot of  
Faith in the above"_

I looked behind me, running through the dense bush. I pulled and tore at the grass that rose to my knees, cursing such a place for an apocalypse to take place. Why a field? "This is why," I thought, as the brush pulled down my knees. I was looking for her; I knew she was out here somewhere. I knew they had her in their grasp, and I needed to get to her. But, as per usual, I couldn't and she needed me. That was our canon. My so-called vampiric speed was reduced to that of a sloth as my shoes squelched noisily in the moist grasses. My vision was still sharp and clear, but I couldn't sense her anywhere. Maybe her body was lying in the…no, I shook that thought off. She came here to help me, and she was damn determined, I knew she'd live through this. Even without my help. 

I finally heard a small moan to my left and fairly leapt toward it, not being able to control my growls. It sounded small and helpless, and it wasn't Buffy's scent emitting from that direction. In fact, her scent wasn't coming from any direction, and that's what scared me. I thought I'd know if she was dead, but we'd been apart so long, I didn't think I had that feeling anymore. I found Fred lying in a bloody mess underneath a branch. It looked like she tried to shield herself. I saw a forest in front of me, the grass slowly waning to nothing. She winced in the darkness as I approached her. "Angel," she breathed. 

"What the hell happened here?" I asked frantically. I scanned the area for signs of others and she again tried to move. "Don't move," I said. My voice sounded hard in my own ears, and I shifted impatiently in that damn grass. 

"I don't know. It all came so fast. D-Demons or something. I still have no idea." "Where are the others?" I asked, crouching down by her side. Fear was in her eyes. They were flicking frantically back and forth, as if she expected something to come barreling through the darkness at any moment. 

"I don't know," she said with a small cough. "Somewhere…around. Gunn and Buffy went over there," she said, gesturing toward the woods. 

"Will you be okay alone?" I asked in a tremulous voice. I feared that I was losing her, and that I had already lost everyone else. Including the one that I loved fiercely. I'd be losing her for the third time, and I didn't know if I could survive that. 

"I'm fine, it's worse than it looks," she said with a pained smile. "Go see how the rest are doing, just don't forget about me." 

"Never," I swore softly, before standing and venturing into the woods. Finally, I could move deftly, and maybe reach the others and see how they were doing. Maybe catch them before they…I wouldn't fully form this thought. I just concentrated on moving ahead, avoiding trees and bush as I kept all my senses open for anything moving. A heavy coppery scent floated over to me, and I couldn't depict whether I knew it or not. It was lots of mixed blood, much more than Fred's blood. It was mixed with fear and apprehension, and I started moving faster toward it. My combined concern and bloodlust drove me toward it, and I stumbled toward a small clearing. It was littered with blood, both human and demon. Fear raced up and down my spine. I cursed myself for ever separating the group like that. My love and my family were now suffering because I wasn't there. I was 'investigating', instead of helping them fight. I didn't have a scratch on me. 

I saw a large dark shape over in one corner. I felt guilty at the relief of it not being Buffy, but I knew she was here somewhere. I had sent her off with Gunn. Maybe she had escaped and was with Wesley. Or maybe not. I approached Gunn cautiously, not sure whether or not he was dead. He opened his eyes and I expelled a large unneeded breath of air. 

"Hey man," he said, his lips curving into an eerie smile. Blood was lining the cracks of his teeth, and I saw several deep gouges all over his body. 

"What happened here?" I said, barely restraining my fury and panic. He couldn't die on me, not now and not ever. I couldn't lose them all now just when I had a chance for humanity. 

"Demons, everywhere. I have no idea what," he coughed up and flecks of blood hit some of the leaves in front of him, "but they was nasty things. And they got us good." 

"Yeah, Fred is back there." 

"Back where?" He said frantically, "She was hurt?" 

"She's okay, she's just a little hurt. It's more you I'm worried about," I said, perusing his body once more. 

"Aw, man, I'm fine," he said, flashing another smile my way. "But the Slayer…" "What?" I cut in anxiously, "where is she? Gunn, what happened?" _ Oh God, Oh God, not again…this isn't happening again._ I steeled myself for the worst, clenching my jaw until my teeth were about to crack. 

"I don't know, somewhere over there. I'm sorry, I lost her. I think she's alive, though. I heard some movement over there," he said, pointing across the clearing. My head snapped in that direction and I immediately took long strides to where his finger was pointing. 

I looked around for approximately two minutes before I saw a small body and smelt a profusion of blood. My dead heart constricted and collapsed in on itself. My body was threatening to fall to pieces right there. I thought I could scrape by with her death last time, but this time it was too much. Even if I did gain my humanity, there was nothing to live for without her in my life. Too many years had been wasted apart, and to just see her die like this. Die…my mind echoed and I dove next to her body. It was face down, and the soil was stained red with her blood. Her scent was heavy in the air, and it made my eyes water. I pulled her body up gently, soothing my hands over her back and cradling her in my lap. 

My whole body started to shake at her closeness. We were leaned up against a large oak, and the others were forgotten for the moment. My mind was racing so fast that I felt like I couldn't breathe. Which is a really funny thing, because I didn't need to breath. It didn't matter thought; the effect was choking me nonetheless. To lose her again would be unbearable. How can one be forced to live without one's mate three times in a row? And this time I wouldn't be able to bring her back, or rescue or save her. It was all my fault, it was all my fault. 

I continued to stroke her back, and hugged her small limp body to me, burying my face in her hair. Her body was strangely cold, like mine, and it made me shiver with disgust. But I could still hear and feel her thin heartbeat through her chest. 

_"I don't know how I can hold you  
Without shaking  
I'm not aware of how I could possibly  
Love you without aching"_

Sparks flew through me at that moment, and her body seemed warmer. I could feel the minute rise and fall of her chest, and hugged her as close as I could without hurting her. I buried my face in her hair, rocking her slowly and waiting for her. She needed to wake up, if not for the world, then just for me. _Please wake up, love. You can't leave me here like this, not when our life will start again_. I felt the breathing strengthen. 

I felt a small twitch of her small hand in mine and breathed a sigh. She struggled slightly in my arms before she realized it was me. 

"Angel," she sighed, in the soft way that she did. I looked down into her beautiful bloody and dirt streaked face. I couldn't live without her, I _wouldn't_. I wiped some of the blood on her cheek off tenderly, looking at it with wonder. How could such a strong and valiant woman be subject to death over and over again? _She's not dead yet,_ my mind reminded me,_ just give her time and she'll heal. She's awake and coherent, no matter how small her heartbeat is. _

"God it hurts," she hissed, as her mind slowly came back into rationality. I rocked her a little more and kissed her hair fiercely. I wouldn't let her go through this, it wouldn't happen. I was empty without her. "Where are we?" 

"We're in the woods, where you got attacked," I said shakily. I didn't want her to hear the fear in my voice, but it was hard to hide. Especially when I saw the bruises that littered her battered body, and the blood that streaked her like war paint. 

"What about the others?" 

"Shhhh…" I crooned, hugging her body more closely, settling my head on her shoulder. "Don't speak," I whispered, "just relax and focus on staying alive." "Am I…" she stumbled over the words, "am I dying?" 

"No," I rebuked immediately, "that's not what I meant. Just stay strong for me." "The pain…" she started softly. She never finished her sentence as I cradled her. "Maybe you should go to the others, Angel," she whispered after awhile. "I'm a lost cause. I'm too far gone." She permitted a small smile and I wanted to shake her for being so blithe about death. 

_"I am my Angel  
Till death I do  
I saw my first Angel  
And it was you."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Title** Rust  
**Author** Aphotica  
**Rating** PG-13  
**Length** 2 Parts  
**Summary** Angel is facing the apocalypse and loses something with his gain of humanity.  
**Warning** Major character death!  
**Lyrics** are from Tegan and Sara  
feedback is adored!

"God, listen to me," she said, looking up at me, "I sound like some helpless cheesy drama chick. 'Just go, save yourself!'" She laughed a little, and I thought she sounded so girlishly like herself in the early years. When she had come to Wolfram and Hart to help with the end of the world, she was different than when I saw her in Sunnydale. I think her freer life made her more light-hearted, more _human_. Now she sounded like the little girl that I had met all those years ago. It was really only ten, but it seemed like a million, and that's a lot coming from a vampire. 

I suddenly glanced down at her small body in my embrace through the darkness. I could feel fear comfortably wrap itself around my stomach and squeeze as I saw her blood-soaked clothing. Both human and demon were interspersed across her sweater and jeans. I slowly worked my hands down from her shoulders to her abdomen, where I could smell the blood coming from in large amounts. 

"No," she softly cried, but I didn't heed her as I ripped her shirt down the middle. I knew that she didn't want to see it anymore than I did. It would only prove how much more serious her injury was. A large gash marred her belly, tearing down into her insides. It wasn't healing as fast as I knew it should be, instead it was slowly knitting, only slightly faster than the average human. She looked up at me almost ashamedly at how weak she appeared and I pulled her close. 

"It must be the demon blood," she whispered against my cheek, "it must be making me all slow with the healing." She let out a rusty laugh at that. God, why was she joking so much? Didn't she know the danger that we were in? She may have killed the demons, but the end of the world was far from over and I still had other injured people on my hands. I didn't even know where Wes was. 

"I'm sorry," she started, and I wanted to stop all apologies. This was no time to apologize. Even if we hadn't seen each other in four years, and she'd been parading around Europe. I knew that she was still the same woman that I loved at her core, that I would always love. Nothing could change that. "I'm sorry I never came back. I said that I foresaw a future for us in Sunnydale, Angel but…I was just a chicken. I was so used to being alone after awhile, that I began to think that it was the only way to live. I was selfish." 

"No," I quickly chastised, "you were always selfless, Buffy." 

"So many years were wasted…alone." The laugh and smile were wiped from her face, instead a slightly sad wistful look. She looked so beautiful in her sadness. I wanted to kiss her until she was too exhausted to cry. 

"I'm still a vampire," I reminded her. 

"But not for long, right?" She smiled up at me, but it was a worn and tired smile. One of a soldier that hasn't had time for anything but war. And, to some extent, that's exactly who she was. She was still battling demons daily, and dealing with Slayers alone. I wished I could have had enough balls to force her to come to LA on those lonely nights, or go to her in England. Maybe then we wouldn't be here now. 

"The war isn't over yet, Buffy," I said gravely, "Who knows if we have this thing won?" 

Despite her pain, she brought her hand up to my face and touched it gently. "I believe in you, Angel," she said softly. The grin had faded, but there was still a ghost of it on her countenance. She was so strong and so lovely, my Slayer. Even in the face of the End of Days, death, pain, destruction, she still had the will to believe in me and give me her smiles. As lame as it sounds, I wished I could have kept her smiles in a jar, and reserve them only for me. 

"We need to get you out of here," I breathed, noting that her bleeding was only getting worse. 

"I'm fine. You know me…I'll stick it out in the end. I'm a Slayer, I'll live. And hey, even if I die, you can always bring me back right?" 

"Buffy, I'm serious. We need to get you somewhere; you're not healing. This is no time for jokes." 

Her face went serious almost immediately, and I started to gently pick her up from the forest floor. She moaned in pain, and some blood oozed out of her and onto my arms. I was soaked in her blood, and oddly my demon wasn't pressing forward with unrestrained bloodlust. I didn't know why, all I knew was that my worry for her life was closing in on me. It was suffocating me. Perhaps it was squelching my bloodlust. I had one objective, carry Buffy to somewhere where she could be healed. Of course, I would check on the others first. 

I heard my name called before I could reach where Gunn was and saw Gunn limping along beside Wesley. I was flooded with relief. One of them was carrying Fred also. This way, I wouldn't have to carry them one by one back to the car. I held Buffy as gently as I could, but I still knew that it hurt her to be jostled over the leaves and trees and other debris that marked a tangled path back to the two separate cars we had. 

I was surprised and relieved to see that both of our cars were still intact, despite the demon raid that had taken place just a few hours before. I hadn't been here; I had only parked next to them when I had returned from Wolfram and Hart. I needed a little more information on some demons we were about to fight, and apparently I had researched the wrong ones. But at least they were dead now, and my warm love was in my arms and as safe as she could be. Something still clawed at me about her disposition, and her physical state, but I tried to disregard it. We would be with a Wolfram and Hart doctor in about fifteen minutes, and I wished that we could go any faster than we already were. The blood was coming in thicker now, and Buffy seemed almost incoherent. 

_"Falling asleep in your arms   
If I believe that everything is alright  
Here I am beside you and I'm falling down  
Will you catch me?"_

"What's the situation?" Wes asked as soon as we got in the car. 

"Some of the demon blood got her…or poison or something and she's not healing. It seems like she's the worst out of all of us." My voice sounded panicked and frantic, too weakly desperate. I was a _Champion_ for Christ's sakes; I should have more strength and resolve than this. But when it came to Buffy, I was blindsided and I shed that whole "Champion" thing. Still. She still made my dead heart almost tangibly thump beneath my chest with vitality. All it took was a breath or a word. We didn't even have to touch. 

When we arrived I frantically dashed as gently and precariously as I could with her in my arms. I thrust the doors open and it almost seemed like everyone in the whole law firm froze in my wake. It was no more "Good Morning, Mr. Angels", they all just stared with slack jaws. Like they wouldn't expect their boss to be running in with the Slayer in his arms, scared to fucking death like an animal that sensed danger. I fell to pieces when I was around her, what could I say? And then with her potential death…well, it intensified my confusion and desperation by about a thousand. 

An hour later the doctor came toward me. He didn't look like a regular doctor, and I didn't trust him at all. In fact, I didn't trust anyone but myself with Buffy, but I knew she wouldn't heal with just me and I couldn't do this alone. He came toward me looking grim, and I prayed to The Powers and whatever else there was out there to let her be all right. I knew that I had made a mistake letting her go all those years ago, and an even bigger mistake letting her go in Sunnydale. 

"Mr. Angel, she's awake and coherent, and we've stopped the blood flow. Unfortunately, she has yet to heal. My only advice would be to see her now, because this may be the last time you see her alive. I have to go deal with the impending apocalypse now, please excuse me." It was blunt and to the point. It cut me, worse than anything I've ever felt. Worse than her previous death. She hadn't come all this way just to be shot down right before I was human. She hadn't fought all the goddamn demons in the world just to die on some empty bed in an evil law firm. She had a chance for a normal life now, and I had a chance for a normal life if we won this thing, and we were yet again ripped violently apart. 

I felt like slashing into that doctor's throat, killing him for not being good enough. But he was the best we had, perhaps the best mystical doctor in the world. I wondered if I should call Dawn, and Willow and Giles and everyone else. This was all my fault. How could I face them? First I had to deal with Buffy. I just had to see her one last time, in case that doctor was right. Then I would do anything in my power to help her. I would kill anyone who WOULDN'T help her. I stepped toward the door tentatively, not sure if I would be able to hold back my emotion in front of her. I had just been told the most devastating news in my two and a half centuries. It wasn't enough that I had hear about her selfless death the first time, the second time I had to watch her die. To know that in a few hours, a few days, she would be dead. Again. I pounded my fist through a wall violently, making some of the nearby employees jump and scurry away. 

I open the door gently, changing my mood completely opposite of the angry beast that I was before. My face slipped back into a human visage as I closed the door softly behind me. She was in a white room, with the sun softly shining on her in one of the windows next to her bed. She had her eyes closed, and a soft smile played on her lips. "I knew you'd come," she rasped without opening her eyes. My heart broke a little more. I wondered if she knew. 

"And before you say it," she added, "the doctor already informed me." 

"What?" I choked out. 

"Angel," she said firmly, opening her eyes. They were a clear green, crystallized with understanding. "I know that I was supposed to die five years ago, when I was twenty-one years old. I _know_ that. I have to accept it. I'm not afraid. You forget that I've already been to the other side." 

"So you want to die," I whispered almost to myself. 

"No, but I know that there's nothing we can do about it." 

"No!" I suddenly screamed, slamming my hand against the wall, making her jump. Her eyes were as wide as saucers and she was shrinking away from me. My throat was thick with tears. "I won't let you die, not again. I can't go on. Please, Buffy, don't just accept this. Fight it." 

"There's nothing we can do," she said softly, sinking lower in the large bed she was in. 

"I love you," I said desperately, taking long strides until I was standing next to her bed. "I want to spend my life with you. I don't want you to die just when I become human." A tear slipped out and I wiped it away hastily. I didn't want to be weak to her. I wanted to be strong for her, always. "I can't let you go." 

She looked away and bit at her lip. "Don't make this harder than it is, Angel. I still have Dawn and all my friends; they have to deal with it too. I knew that this was coming, I just didn't know when." 

I sat down next to her bed, in a small uncomfortable chair that didn't bode well for my large frame. I rubbed my face fiercely, wondering how the hell this was happening to me. There were no choices, only death. Well, no I was wrong, there was a choice whether to accept it or not. 

"You're not even worried about Dawn?" I said quietly. It was a deadly tone, and I knew I was playing dirty, but I was desperate. I had to make her care, to make her care for me. She didn't love me anymore, and she wanted to die. 

"Dawn's fine," she said. "Dawn is in the comfort of her own friends and family. She's twenty years old now Angel, she doesn't need me anymore. Willow and Giles can take care of the Slayers, Xander and Faith and Wood can offer support. I've built them up and trained them to lead this world just as much as I have trained the Slayers. The last resurrection was a fluke. This world doesn't need me anymore, and you know it." 

"I need you," I whispered tremblingly. 

She paused for a second, studying the dust motes floating through the air thoughtfully. "You haven't needed me for a long time," she sighed. Her eyes flicked down to the blanket that covered her thin body and I reverently reached for her hand. I grabbed it in a crushing grip, wanting to feel her slender fingers within my grasp. "We've been apart for almost eight years, Angel. Eight long, lonely years. I've taken on only two other lovers, and pleaded with you several times to come back to me. You haven't needed me." 

"Buffy," I hissed, "it's all going to work now. We can be together, don't you care? Don't you want to be with me?" 

"I want to die with you," she said gravely. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to give my life to you. I'm going to live through you. My soul has always been locked to yours, my heart chained to yours, and nothing can change that. Not even death," she ended slowly with a sardonic smile. "I love you more than anything I could have thought possible. I didn't know what pain and ecstasy were until I met you. That's why I won't be gone, not really. Not when you gain your life." 

I kissed her then. There were no more words exchanged between us. I just kissed and kissed her, until she was robbed of breath. And when she was robbed of breath, she clung to me desperately, and her heartbeat ebbed away like the sea. It waned like the moon, and all of her strength was gone. I cried and sobbed, and rocked her slowly cooling body. I whispered words of love into her ear. I mourned for the times that we could never have. I would never get to make love to her for a second time, I would never impregnate her with my seed, I would never stand with her in the sunlight and dance with her in the moonlight. Hours, days past before I was both physically and mentally able to let her go. 

My humanity is unfulfilled. I always dreamed of this day, this Shanshu. But it's empty, meaningless. It's simply a means to an end. I keep contemplating the day that I'll die, so I can be with my beloved again, and fill her as much as she fills me. She gives me light, vitality, energy. And as much as I love her soul filling me with life and warmth, her absence makes me cold and hollow. It's been four years since she died and I haven't taken on another lover. I enjoy my life as much as is allowed, with friends and family. But I allow no one to touch me intimately, no one to get close to me, no one to know of my past. Not that the others haven't pushed dates on me, but I always politely decline. It's not that I think I will betray her; I just don't have the energy, the love to give to someone else. It would be selfish to take someone's love and not be able to reciprocate. Like I said, I'm waiting for the same release that she has experienced, I'm living my life to die. 

Part 1 


End file.
